Some May Fall
by MyPolo
Summary: Stef and Lena have been together for several years, and everything seems fine until one day it isn't. Both of them are working endless hours and making excuses as to why they are avoiding each other. Why does it feel as if they are drifting apart? Why does it feel like this life they built is slowly fading and can't be what it once was? Only time will tell if they are able and will
1. chapter 1

LENA*

Today, I feel as if my feet are dragging...literally, and no matter how much tea or coffee I've consumed, I feel even worse. Can it possibly be almost ten months now since I lost our baby? We never knew exactly what it was, yet it didn't matter. What mattered is my body had failed me, had failed us, and no matter how hard I have tried to communicate that to Stef, she closes off even more, burying herself in her work.

The department hired two newbies, and I have to train them. I'll be home late again tonight. Or even, We had a major bust right before the end of my shift, and you know what that means: more paperwork. Don't wait up. But what tops it all is this one: The guys and I have had a rough week, and we're going out for drinks. You hate drinking with the guys, honey. I'll make it up to you tomorrow.

Little does Stef realize, but with every excuse comes a list of resentments and anger that is starting to brew towards her. All of this started off as anger towards God, the Universe, my body, yet slowly, it's become about how she just can't "find the time" to be here with me, listen to me, hold me, and better yet, just be present in our marriage.

As I play with the salad on my desk, I look at the picture of us staring right at me, the one we took ok our wedding day. How is it possible that two people who were madly in love are now almost like complete strangers existing in the same house? I never would have dreamed this would me me and Stef. Stef adored me. She would do anything for me and would look at me as if I was the only woman on the planet.

My thoughts are interrupted by a knock on my office door, "Yoo-hoo! You eating lunch alone again?" Monte peaks her head in the doorway, and I look up.

"Oh, hi! C'mon in!" I get up to move my chair around so we can eat together, and she carries in her own lunch bag. "And yes, I am. I have mountains of paperwork to finish, but now that you're here, I'm reminded a small break won't hurt every once in a while."

She smiles widely at me as she opens her Greek salad, "Ah-ha! So, I do keep you somewhat sane!"

Laughing, I lean over my desk to grab my water bottle. "Mmmm? Maybe somewhat!" I hold up my fingers to demonstrate. We are both quiet now as if in our own thoughts again.

Monte and I have become close over the past several months, and to be honest, it's been somewhat of a relief just to come to work and have interaction with her and the other teachers here at Anchor Beach. Lately, I, too, have been burying myself in work, and Monte has noticed. This, why she often comes to break me out of it and get me to relax.

"So, there's a teachers seminar in San Francisco next month. I'd love for you to join us! It's during the week that the kids are on Spring Break. So it makes sense as we won't need one of us here to cover."

I close the lid to my salad before crossing my legs and sipping my water. I sigh softly, "Well, it would be nice to get away for a few days. It's what, three days?"

"No, more like the entire week. We'll fly out on Sunday afternoon and fly back Friday morning. I know it sounds exhausting, but we'll have some down time most days to explore and sight see!" She looks at me excitedly. "So, it's a yes?"

I laugh as I stand to throw my trash away, "It's a yes!" I walk back to move my chair back around my desk.

"You don't need to talk to your wife any?" She also gets ready to head back to her office.

I snort softly as I look at my phone. Again, no text or call during my lunch hour. "Uhhhh, nope! It'll be just fine! Email me the dates, and I'll write it on my calendar."

She smiles widely at me as she heads for the door. "It'll be kinda like a vacation! A girls getaway!"

My heart pounds in my chest as I ignore the feeling in the pit of my stomach. Of course I should discuss this with Stef, but honestly? I need space and time. Away from her, the house, the sadness. And it's not like she's ever home anyways.

STEF*

"Honey, I'm home!" I sigh as I throw down my keys and sit on the bar stool to unlaced my shoes. Today was a horrible day on the beat, and to be honest, I'm kind of glad to be home. I know I've been avoiding Lena for a while now, and it's only because I feel just as lost. How can I comfort her when I need comforting as well? I feel so guilty because it wasn't me that lost this child, yet it was in a way because we are married and were in this together.

"There you are!" She smiles as she enters the room in her yoga pants and tank. Walking up to me, she hugs me awkwardly then pulls back before grabbing the bottle of red on the island.

I sort thru the mail in awkward silence as she pours two glasses, walking over to hand me one. "Thanks, love," I reply absentmindedly as I open a medical bill. The medical bills seem to be piling up on us, and even though it's been ten months, they are still flowing in.

"So, the teachers are going to a seminar next month while the kids are on spring break," she says softly, but I'm so engrossed in studying this one bill, I barely hear her.

"Mhmm," I reply as I sigh and fold it, shoving it back in the envelope before grabbing our water bill.

"And Monte said since the kids are on break, I should go, too. So, I'm going..."

I hear the last part and remove my glasses before looking up at her. "Going where?"

She makes a face as she repeats herself, "I'm going to San Fransisco next month for the teacher's seminar!"

My nose twitches, "When is this?" I stand to grab a few ice cubes for my wine.

"During the school's spring break! Aren't you listening to me, Stef?" She sounds exasperated by now, and this is becoming a regular occurrence between us anymore.

"Ya, I just thought we were going to LA for that week. You know...as a getaway?" I walk over to sit next to her again.

"Ummm, no...we never nailed down those plans. You said maybe.." her tone is sarcastic and clearly annoyed by now, and I reach out to place my hand on hers.

"We talked about this, Lena. I clearly remember saying we'll figure it out!"

She stands now as she slams down her wine glass before shouting, "No, Stef! You're NEVER home! You're NEVER here! We didn't nail it down! You said maybe!"

"Why are you shouting at me?" I answer clearly annoyed.

Running her hand over her curls, she walks over to the wine bottle and pours just about the rest of the bottle. "Just forget it! I'll tell Monte we have plans! Clearly you're all of the sudden interested in what I'm doing in my life..."

Walking over to her, I try to grab her hand, but by now, she's pretty upset. So, she pulls away and storms toward the door. "Wait, Lena! What's for dinner?"

Spinning to look at me, I see a hot anger on her face as she throws up her hand, "Figure it out, Stef! You're never home for me to care about what's for dinner anymore!" With that, she slams the door, and I'm left in stunned silence as to what the fuck is happening right now.

Thanks, guys, for the amazing reviews. This has been a storyline in my head for a while, and although it may not be a fan favorite, I still wanted to try to write it. Please, be patient, as I do have a life and other stories I love writing! Enjoy!️


	2. Chapter 2

*STEF*

 ** _"Hey, Lena, I just thought I'd call to see how you're doing. I know I wasn't fair to you, and honestly, I thought you'd be in your room by now. Call me when you can, ok?"_**

I sigh as I hang up and rub my forehead. I'm exhausted after pulling a 16 hour shift, and being here, alone at the house has been killing me lately. Lena has only been gone since Sunday, but the fact that it's only Tuesday doesn't matter. I feel like I'm going insane.

I hate how we left things as well. My stomach churns as I think about it, trying to figure out where the hell everything went wrong.

 _*FLASHBACK*_

 _"Why does it bother you so badly, huh? I asked you if you WANTED to come with me! You said you weren't a teacher!" Lena is yelling at me, almost a regular occurrence these days._

 _I run my hands thru my hair and sigh, "Can we not raise our voices. I'm right here, and I can here you just fine."_

 _"Oh, that's rich, spoken from the woman who raises hers just to be heard. Well, you know what? You haven't been listening to me for months! MONTHS, Stef! I give up!" She raises her hand as she disappears in the closet, pulling down clothes to pack._

 _I walk over to the doorway of the walk-in and lean against the frame. "What do you want from me? I'm doing the best I can? I love you, Lena! That hasn't changed..."_

 _She doesn't say anything as she continues to drape her skirts and dresses on her arm, and I sigh as I rub my temples. "You know it's kind of hard to hold one end of a conversation, love. I just...I just don't know what you want anymore. When I try to talk, you shut me out. When I pull away, you say I don't listen. What can I do? Please, I'm begging you! Talk to me!"_

 _She brushes past me as she heads to dump her pile on the bed and begins to fold and pack the clothes. Not looking at me once, I can tell she has shut down again. "There's nothing left to talk about at this point. You weren't listening when I tried. So...I guess this time apart will be good for the both of us." She looks at me now, and I swallow hard._

 _Sitting on the edge of the bed, I watch her for a bit as I try to blink back the hot tears. "I miss you...Lena..."_

 _She stops what she's doing and looks at me again. For a moment, I think that she may come over and kiss me, but that moment passes as she whispers, "I miss us, too..."_

 _*FLASHBACK ENDS*_

As I shake my head from the memory of that night, it occurs to me that I have been swallowed up in my head and feelings, not once realizing that Lena needed me, and even though I told myself I wasn't grieving. I didn't lose a baby, I knew deep, deep down that it was all a lie I had been telling myself now for way too long. As I strip down and step under a scalding hot shower, I find tears trickling down my cheeks until my shoulders begin to shake, and I sob as I haven't sobbed in a very long time. I cry for our baby. I cry for Lena. I cry for our marriage.

*LENA*

I step out into the still night to listen to the voicemail Stef had just left me a few minutes ago. When I saw her name pop up on the screen of my phone, I made a rash decision to not answer. I know and understand I've been acting kind of selfish over the past week, but all of the build up from the pain of not only losing my baby but also losing connection with my wife was more than I could bare at this point and time. I knew that Stef was most likely grieving, and I know that I had been needy as in really needed my wife. But I can't help but feel as if I had a reason...that she should have understood that and not left me to deal with all alone.

I blink back the tears that threaten to spill down my cheeks as I hear her voice. We were supposed to go away together this week, and I really dug in and made it very clear that I would be going to this teacher's seminar. I know it goes against my character, but I'm beginning to lose myself more and more these days to the point, I'm not sure exactly what my character is anymore.

The door opens behind me, and I jump slightly as I hear a familiar voice. "Hey, you! Are you ok?" I turn to look and see Monte looking at me worriedly.

I smile softly as I shove my phone back into my purse. "Oh, ya, I was just listening to a voice mail. Too loud in there," I laugh awkwardly as we head back inside the hotel bar room. I head to sit off in the corner, and she follows close behind me.

"Can I be frank with you, Lena?" She grabs her drink as I order another. I nod as I cross my legs and relax a bit. "I know that something is going on with you. I know it's more than you having lost your baby. But if you don't want to talk about it, it's fine. I understand. I just wanted you to know that I truly care about you, Lena."

My heart pounds in my chest as I listen to her. "Well, " I start slowly trying to think of a tasteful way to tell her what's going on in my personal life. I don't really make it a point to talk about it with anyone, but she has quickly become a listening ear lately. "There is...kind of some other things...going on in my personal life..." I trail off as I take a sip of my wine.

She raises her eyebrows, "Ok? Well, like I said. You don't have to disclose anything you don't want to, Lena."

I sigh as I rub my forehead and squeeze my eyes shut. Talking to her won't hurt anything, right? She's just a concerned friend, and that's just what I need right now. Someone who will just listen to me. "It's me and Stef. She's the love of my life, but lately, we've been drifting apart. She's been working long hours, and so have I. As you've noticed." I laugh now and try to relax even more.

"Oh, definitely. I'm the one who tries to get you to take breaks, girl!" She laughs as she playfully pushes my arm, and I laugh with her.

"Since I lost the baby, I've been really needy, and truthfully, I know Stef took it really hard as well. And her way of coping is to bury herself in work which she's done." I lick my lips and set my wine glass down. "But lately...lately, I have begun to lose faith...faith in us..." My voice cracks as I say this out loud, and I quickly wipe tears from my eyes before they have a chance to fall down my face.

"Oh, honey," Monte says with concern as she scoots closer to me and wraps her arm around my shoulders. "I'm so sorry. It's okay to cry, you know..."

I nod as I grab a napkin and wipe my eyes. "Maybe, but not in front of everyone!" I laugh awkwardly as I desperately try to get a grip.

Monte stands and holds out her hand, "Come here...let's go up to my room. We can grab an extra bottle of wine and chill. Sound good?"

My face flushes. "Uhhh, I don't know. We have to get up early tomorrow, don't we?"

"Semi-early. We don't have to be to our first session until eight o' clock. C'mon! We'll say our good-nights at eleven so we can get a good night's rest."

I sigh as I pull out some money and throw it down for the tip and follow her through the lobby and to the elevator to our room. I look at my phone as we step on to the elevator and decide to go ahead and text Stef.

 ** _Hey, I'm sorry I missed your call. I know you're probably sleeping, but I wanted to say that I love you, and I miss you._**


	3. Chapter 3

*LENA*

As I look out the plane window, my heart races as I remember the events of the week. I feel just sick about it all to be honest, and I know that I need to not only be honest with myself but also with my wife. I re-adjust my neck pillow as I quickly wipe the falling tears. I really want to try to talk Stef into going to therapy with me...if she'll just forgive me first.

 _*FLASHBACK*_

 _"More wine, Len?" Monte held up the last of the red cab, and I giggle._

 _"Do you think I'm a lush? Give me that!" I take the bottle and pour the rest into my glass._

 _"I don't, but I do think you don't relax enough."_

 _I smile as I swirl my glass. "I try. I mean as much as I can. Stef usually is working late or already gone to bed. But I have my share of wine as well as relaxation."_

 _"NO one should drink alone," she holds her glass up. "To friends!"_

 _"To friends!" We clink glasses, and I take a swig._

 _"I've lost a baby, too, ya know," Monte says softly._

 _I look over at her as I study her face. "I didn't know..."_

 _"I don't really like to talk about it," she shrugs as she looks at me. "But I get it. My husband and I kinda went through a really hard time, and to be honest, we took a break for a few months."_

 _"A break? Like separated?"_

 _"Yes...that. But we're back now, and better than ever!" She laughs nervously, and I wonder why she isn't meeting my eyes. Somehow, I think she wants me to think her marriage is good but it really isn't._

 _I try to not go there because it is possible that I'm just deflecting my own marriage and feelings. "That's good to hear. I'm glad you worked through it."_

 _"Don't be sad, Len! C'mon! I didn't mean to make you feel badly. I'm sure you and Stef will work through it all!" She scoots closer to me and takes my hand which in turn makes me feel a bit better._

 _I sigh as I down the rest of my wine. "Ok, no more wine! Or I'll never get up in the morning!" I giggle. She nods and downs hers as well; then takes both glasses and sets them down._

 _"Come here," she holds out her hand which I take as she leads me to the balcony off her room. We look out over the city and are quiet for a bit as my mind races wondering if Stef is asleep or if I can call her now. Maybe she's awake? I have this inner battle inside my head which finally leads me to make a decision._

 _"I'll be back, ok? I'm going to use the ladies' room," she smiles as she takes a seat._

 _"I'll be right here."_

 _I head back inside, pulling my phone out of my pocket as I speed dial Stef's number. I realize it's past eleven, but I can only hope I reach her._

 _My heart races out of control as she answers, "Hello? Lena?" I hear background noise and loud music playing which instantly makes me upset. All this time I'm thinking that she may be asleep, and I'm thinking of her! And she's out with the guys again! This has become quite the thing lately._

 _"Ya, I'm returning your call. Where are you?" I ask in an annoyed tone._

 _"Oh, uh, I'm out with Mike and some guy from the precinct. I waited for you to call back. I called you over five hours ago. Are you ok?" She hollers into the phone which annoys me even more._

 _"Oh, ya! I'm great! Glad you're having a blast without me!" I know I'm being unfair at this point, but I don't care. Obviously she hasn't thought of me. She didn't even reply to my text._

 _"What? Are you ok?" she hollers again as it's obvious she is having a very hard time hearing what I'm saying._

 _"I said I'm ok! I texted you a little over an hour ago? Did you get it?" I'm trying so hard not to take out my anger on her, but it's proving to be difficult._

 _"Save me a spot! Mike! No! I'll be there in a minute!" She clearly isn't talking to me and I can feel the room spinning whether it be from all of the wine or the fact my blood pressure has elevated. "Ya! I'm doing great! Hey, listen, I can't hear very well! I'll text you later on when I get home, ok? I love you!" She shouts into the phone._

 _I blink back the hot tears that spring to my eyes, " Ya, talk to you later." When I hang up, I bend over as if I was punched in the gut. I shouldn't have come here. I should have gone on our planned vacation. We maybe would be talking or spending time together right now. Hey, maybe we would even be making love. But who am I kidding? We barely sleep together anymore, and the last time we did, it seemed as if Stef's mind was in another place._

 _My chest hurts so badly, and I just want to sleep. So, I head back out to the balcony to tell Monte goodnight. "Hey, I'm gonna head on to bed, ok? I'll see you at breakfast in the morning."_

 _Monte looks up at me, and she instantly is by my side. "Are you ok?" As soon as she asks, I break down, covering my eyes, and sob. "Oh, honey, it's ok," she pulls me into her arms as I cry like a baby, sobs racking my entire frame. She runs her hands up and down my back which makes me cry even harder because I miss Stef so fucking much it physically hurts right now. I miss her holding me, kissing me, comforting me. I miss her smell, her voice, her tenderness. I miss her tough act, her protectiveness and how much she used to worship the ground I walk on. Every. Single. Thing. I miss, and I don't know how to tell her that._

 _Monte finally pulls back, and I whisper hoarsely, "I'm sorry...so sorry. I had too much to drink, and I'm just tired."_

 _She runs her hand down my cheek as if to console me, and I sniffle as I try to calm down. "Lena, you don't ever have to apologize to me...ever." She looks at me tenderly, and before I know what's happening, her one hand runs down my arm to my lower back as her other hand down my face softly as she softly kisses me._

 _My heart races out of control as it seems I'm slower to figure out what the hell is going on right now, but as soon as my brain registers that Monte is in fact kissing me square on my lips, I pull back. "No...uhhh...I can't...please..."_

 _"Shit..." She mutters as she steps back and covers her mouth._

 _"I gotta go..." I quickly mutter as I turn and practically run from the room. This is how it started out with me and Stef. She kissed me first, catching me off guard. The only difference is, I kissed Stef back! Somehow I lead Monte on to believe I wanted this! Fuck!_

 _*FLASHBACK ENDS*_

I close my eyes as I feel my stomach continuing to churn. I have to talk to Stef. There is no question about it. I have done my equal share, and it takes two of us to make it work. My only question to myself is this: am I too late?


	4. Chapter 4

*STEF*

After the night at the bar with the guys, I had barely gotten a response from Lena whatsoever. And this really caused me to wonder where we've both gone wrong. As I go through my days, I am very much aware of the emptiness I have been feeling, and the gap feels even wider with her not here. I know she's only gone to another city, but the fact that we haven't been doing the greatest before this makes it even worse. But I continue to do what I do best: bury myself in my work. I'm working up to 20 hours now, and Mike isn't thrilled at all with me.

"Why are you killing yourself, Stef? I mean, really. Come on! 20 hours! Do you understand that's stretching it? We really aren't supposed to be going over the 16 hour mark, but 20 caps it all!"

I roll my eyes as I pour my fifth cup of coffee this morning. "I'm fine, Mike. I know that I am not a spring chicken, but I'm fine. Really."

"When's that hot wife of yours coming home? I bet you wouldn't be pulling this kind of nonsense if she were here!" He grabs a cinnamon bun and sits at his desk.

"Hey, now! Only I can call her hot!" I tease as I, too, grab a bun. "But she'll be home today. And I promise I'm only working my eight hours today, Dad!" I pull out my glasses and open my computer as I start some paperwork.

"You know I look out for you, Stef. Someone's got to," He kicks his feet up onto his desk as he finishes his snack, but I'm not worried about what he's currently saying. I just want to get my work done and get home. I actually plan on making dinner tonight: her favorite, baked haddock and asparagus with red Cabernet. Then maybe afterwards we can spend the evening...not talking. 

*LENA*

As the cab pulls up to the house, I can feel the knot in the middle of my stomach growing by leaps and bounds. Not only do I feel faint, but also, I want to get this over with here and now. But as I walk into the house, I smell dinner cooking, and my heart begins to race. Walking a little further, I hear soft music playing. I feel so guilty, but I've missed Stef so much this past week. Setting down my luggage, I walk into the kitchen, and there she is. Her back is to me as she pulls something out of the oven, and I glance over to see a nice table setting. Tears spring to my eyes as I walk up behind her.

Wrapping my arms around her, I nuzzle her neck, "I've missed my wife..." I feel like a fraud, someone who is acting , yet I don't want to hurt her.

She turns in my arms, "Baby!" Cupping my cheeks, she kisses me hard making me melt. It's been forever since I've felt her like this, and it's only making things that much worse

"What's for dinner? This is a surprise!" I smile warmly, swallowing the lump that won't go away no matter how much I swallow.

She laughs as she places the haddock on the plates then the asparagus, "Well, yes, and I should be doing this more." She winks at me as she hands me my plate, and I follow her to the table, setting it down.

"I..I need to go wash up. I'll be back..." I quickly turn and practically run to the bathroom where I turn on the faucet and splash cold water on my face as I choke back a sob. This is completely unbearable, and no matter how many times I re sight the story in my head, each time it feels more wrong than the last. Quickly washing my hands, I hurry back and slide into my seat.

Stef pours me my wine before she sits back. "So, how was the rest of the trip? I didn't hear much from you, but I figured once the sessions started, you'd be pretty busy."

I cut into my fish as my heart continues to reek havoc on me. "Ya, it was pretty busy. We were going from morning til night."

"Except the first night, that is..." She looks across the table at me as we lock eyes. She takes a sip of her wine and sets the glass back on the table.

"Ya..that night..." I trail off as I take my time cutting all of the asparagus on my plate, not taking one bite of it. I have to talk to her. I have to convince her first how much I love her and have never stopped loving her.

We eat in silence for a bit, me taking mini bites here and there, but mainly sipping my wine. I reach for the glass to pour more wine and finally break the silence. "I love you, Stef...I..I should have gone to LA with you like we discussed...given you a chance." I choke out the last part, and she looks at me frowning.

"What's wrong, Lena?"

She got me. I usually can't hide things very well from her, and I don't know how in the world to approach this subject. I dab the corner of my mouth with my napkin and sit back. "Something happened...you may not like?!" My voice is cracking, and I can feel my legs trembling under the table as I fidget with my fingers.

"Like what?"

"Like Monte...she got the wrong impression, and I may have spilled my guts to her in my drunken state, and..."

"Your drunken state? You never get drunk, Lena...I don't like where this is going..." her voice sounds hurt now, and I don't blame her.

"I swear I love you, Stef! I do! You're my wife, and it meant nothing to me!" Her face is now white as she throws down her napkin, folding her arms almost as if to place armor around herself. My chin is quivering, and I get up to walk around the table, kneeling by her chair. "She kissed me, but I didn't kiss her back. I was in..in shock, and I pulled away and left the room...I promise with everything in me, Stef..." I move to grab her hand, but she jumps up out of the chair and looks down at me, her face now red.

"How did she get the wrong impression, Lena? How? I kissed you first, too! Did you think of that? And you ran away then as well?" She runs her hands through her hair in frustration as she begins pacing the room.

I jump to my feet and try to get close to her again, but she won't let me. "Baby, I messed up! I confided in her about my marriage when I should have been pouring out my heart to you! But you've been..been burying yourself in your work, and you aren't home half the time!" I wave my hands around for emphasis. "Sometimes, I think you just don't care anymore! I needed you, Stef, and you disappeared on me! I lost our child! Don't you get it?" Tears are streaming profusely down my face now, and my body is shaking, but it does nothing to stop the anger and venom that flows from her lips.

"I haven't been there? Are you serious right now, Lena? If I recall, you were the one to push me away! You were the one to pull away from me from the very beginning. THEN get mad when I worked double shift which I was doing, might I add, so I could clear my head. And the rift grew! Do you love, Monte?" I've never seen Stef so broken, so hurt before, and it breaks me even more.

"No! No! I don't love Monte! I told her that I love you!"

"Then if she knew you loved me, why did she kiss you? You had to have given her something to go on!"

"I..I don't know!? Maybe I was crying when I tried to call you that night, and she just did? I can't talk for her, Stef!"

"No! But you can talk for you!"

I walk towards her again, but she backs up and puts up her hands. "Stef! I'm trying! I'm sorry, but I wanted to come home and reassure you just how much I'm still in love with you, and how this week showed me just that!"

"It took her kissing you to realize you love me still? That's just great. So great, Lena! You know what? Now I need a break! I was trying to make this better. I know I have failed you, but I didn't realize just how badly I was as your wife until now!" She turns and heads upstairs towards our room, and I quickly follow her.

"What are you doing? Stef! Let's talk about this! I've been wanting to talk for forever! Please!"

She walks over to the closet and pulls down a bag. Then heads over to her drawers as she begins throwing whatever in said bag. "Talk? I was willing to do that tonight, until I find out my wife is more connected with her boss. There is no talking right now."

I sit on the bed and try to grab the bag, but she yanks it away from me. "Stef..." I am crying very hard now. "I don't know what to do! I can't live this life without you in it! I messed up!"

She doesn't say anything...just clenches her jaw as she head to grab her police uniforms then unlocks her gun. "Where are you going?" I cry as I blubber and can't seem to stop.

She zips up the suitcase before she turns to look at me. "Anywhere but here, Lena. I can't..I can't look at you. Every time I do, I see the huge disappointment I have become as your wife."

"Please...we can work this out. I'll sleep on the couch," I plead in a hoarse whisper.

"I can't breathe, Lena! I can't! My heart is..is BROKEN!" she whimpers as she brushes her tears and quickly leaves the room. I fall face first on the bed as I cry as I haven't cried since the day I found out I lost my baby. I cry for me, for her, for our marriage...I cry because quite frankly, I feel as if I've finally hit rock bottom. Without Stef in my life? I don't know how to face myself. I know I was at fault. I know I was stubborn. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I could have prevented that from happening had I stuck to my guns and just gone to bed that night instead of allowing Monte to con me into drinking wine in her room. I knew she was flirting with me. I knew she was becoming more and more handsy...but I loved the attention. I loved being fawned over, and now? Now, I feel empty.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I know this is a harder story than most, but I would like for you to stick with it because this is life. Marriage isn't all rainbows & happiness, but it's work...hard work. Stick it out, and I promise you'll be happy with the ending**?

*STEF*

I realize that I can overthink, overstep and even overkill some things in this lifetime, but say what you will, but after Lena told me that Monte kissed her, I heard nothing else. All I could think about was the fact I had been the one to kiss her first. I had been the one to tell her without words, just how I felt, and she had been the one to run as well. And as downhill as our relationship has travelled over the past months, I know, I, too, have a major part in this, but tonight I'm just shattered. I've never felt so low, so lost, so broken, and even when we lost our child, I didn't feel this extreme low because, well, I have to admit, I was in shock.

But tonight, that all changed for me, and here I am, on Mike's couch, staring at the ceiling, hurting so badly that I literally would rather die. If I could just die and give Lena her baby back...if I could just give everything to see her smile like she used to smile...I would walk away forever if it meant Lena was happy. Her happiness was and always has been my number one priority, and when she lost the baby, she lost the sparkle in her eyes and the pain was so deep and so real, she couldn't stand to have me hold her.

 _*FLASHBACK*_

 _"Stef? Are you ok?" Mike answers the door half asleep._

 _"Sorry. Didn't mean to wake you. Ummm, could I crash on the couch? Just until tomorrow then I'll figure something out?"_

 _He opens the door and steps back so I can enter. "Anything wrong?"_

 _I slump to the couch. "I'll just sleep right here. I promise I won't make any noise and I'll be gone by the time you're up. Double shift tomorrow."_

 _"Stef...I'm worried about you..." He sits across from me and tries to look in my eyes._

 _"Look, I don't want to talk about it, ok? I'll just be gone by morning, if that's alright." I say this in a firm voice even though I'm dying inside right this very second._

 _He places his hands on his knees wanting to press further, but I give him a warning look and he backs off. "Ok...I'll leave you to it. I'm headed back to bed. Early shift as well."_

 _I nod and wait until his door closes before I weep like a baby._

 _*FLASHBACK ENDS*_

I look at my phone and sigh. It's already 4:30, and I haven't slept a wink. I may as well go to work. Forget trying to sleep ever again. Work is now my middle name.

*LENA*

After tossing and turning all night long, I finally get up to shower. I had contacted Monte this morning to ask her if she'd meet me for coffee at JJ's before I head over to the school for a bit. I can't stay in this house right now, and I can think of plenty of things I can be doing before schools starts back up on Monday.

When I arrive at the cafe, I order my coffee and sit off to the side under an umbrella, for it is already proving to be a very hot day. As Monte approaches, my resolve doesn't waiver.

"Hey, Len! Starting your weekend off working?" She sits across from me with a glass of iced tea.

"I figured it wouldn't hurt any," I sip my coffee as I take a deep breath.

"Stef doesn't mind?" Monte probes, and I look up at her.

"That's why I asked to meet. Listen," I look at her and make sure she is paying close attention. "What you did at the hotel last week? It can't ever happen again...ever."

She nods as she swallows uncomfortably. "I..I'm sorry. I thought...I don't know what I was thinking honestly..."

"You don't? You weren't openly flirting and trying to get with me?"

"No!" Her voice raises. "Ok, maybe a little...Im sorry. I am! I hope I didn't ruin anything."

"Don't worry about it. It's my fault for allowing you to get that close, and for leading you on, Monte. And I should be apologizing to you. I'm sorry I unloaded my heart like I did when I should have been unloading it to my wife."

"But isnt that what friends are for?" She sniffles. "You didn't lead me on. I was confused and you were hurting.

"It is what friends are for, but I saw signs that you cared deeper, and I was...careless. Is that why you kissed me?" I lean forward, my heart racing.

"I kissed you because...because I..I love you, Lena. You're so easy to love, and I don't know, it sort of happened."

"But I didn't kiss you back. You know that, right?"

"Yes...I know. And you avoided me all week." She wipes tears from her eyes. "I'm so sorry. I overstepped our friendship boundaries."

"We cant be friends anymore either. I'm sorry, but I love Stef, and you're my boss and I'm your co-worker, and that's that." I sit back as I down the rest of my coffee. "I've got to go. But please, respect what I've said."

"I don't know what to say, Lena. We've been friends for years!" I watch her face go from white to red to gray.

"But you chose to kiss me. That ended our friendship because I can't give you what you want, Monte!"

"I can learn to not love you. Please!" She is pleading, and this upsets me more.

"Please don't beg me. It's beneath you. If anything, I need to be begging my wife for forgiveness."

Standing, I brush my hair back from my face, leaving Monte in complete and utter shock. As I go to throw my trash away, I bump into a police officer. But not just any police officer. Stefanie Adams Foster.


	6. Chapter 6

*STEF*

My head is pounding, and I've already had enough coffee to wake the dead, but every time I get a latte from JJ's, for some reason, I start to feel better. As I stand in line waiting my turn, I hear a familiar voice, and as I turn around, I see Lena leaning over a table in a heated conversation. I honestly don't know if it's heated. But if looks could kill, I'd say she's upset.

But as I squint and look closer, my heart starts to pound as I realize it's Monte. I watch Lena get up, and Monte grabs her hand as she says something. Fury. Rage. White, hot anger floods me as I get out of line and make my way across the room to where Lena is headed, and as she throws her trash away, she bumps into me.

"Oh! I'm sorry..." she mutters, then when she realizes it's me, her face turns white. "Stef? Stef, what are you doing here?"

I take her arm and practically drag her outside. "I should ask you the same thing!" I say through clenched teeth.

"I asked Monte to meet me. I had..."

"After that whole speech on how much you love me? Wow! Way to show your love. I have to work," I let go of her arm as I feel someone just hauled off and punched me in my gut.

She steps towards me to take my hand, but I pull back. "Don't pull away. It's not what you think. Please, Stef!" She pleads in a hoarse whisper, but I'm stubborn and hurt and angry. My head is spinning, and I am struggling to breathe.

"I have to work, Lena. I'll be by tonight to get the rest of my things." I answer coldly before I head back inside to grab my latte. A piece of me knows I'm wrong. A part of me wants to believe the truth. It's not what I think. But at this point, I'm done. I have nothing left. All of what I had is depleted, and honestly? I need time to heal. And that includes not being around her.

*LENA*

Stef leaves me in the middle of the sidewalk, stunned and out of breath. She can't possibly think I was on a date, could she? Why didn't she just give me a chance to make this right? To explain what in the world I was trying to do? Did she just say she was coming by after work to get the rest of her things? What does she mean? She's leaving for good? My head is beginning to hurt and spin, and it takes a bit before I decide to walk to my car. Instead of driving to the school, I drive to the station.

Somehow, I need to make Stef listen to me. As I pull up next to where she usually parks her squad car, I look in my rear view to see that my face is puffy and red. I pull my powder out of my small purse and try to make myself look presentable before pulling my hair out of my face and on top of my head. I feel physically sick by now as I get out of my car and take the long walk inside the station.

"Hey! Long time no see, Mrs. Adams Foster!" Captain Roberts stop me as she sees me rounding the corner.

I fake a smile as I hold out my hand. "Get over here. No handshakes, just hugs for family!" She pulls me in for a warm hug, and I do my best to look like I'm really happy to see her.

"Have you seen Stef?" I finally ask as we pull apart.

"Oh, yes! She just came in here, looking like she needs her wife! Better go give her some sugar, baby!" She winks at me before heading down the hallway to her office.

I can feel my gut twisting and turning as I make my way over to her little cubicle, and when I reach it, I hear her talking on the phone.

"Thank you, Jeremy. You know I'd be willing to take the studio apartment. It's just me, and I don't need much space...mhmmm...right...ok, yes, that would be great! Sure thing, Jeremy...ok...ok, I'll swing by on my lunch break and grab the keys. I want to look around first...no, I trust you, but I'm picky!" She laughs as she finishes the call, and I can feel the tears streaming steadily down my face now.

I can't believe what I just overheard! Stef is actually leaving me! I quickly wipe my eyes as I walk right up to her desk and stand in front of her. She jumps a little before taking off her glasses. "What are you doing here, Lena?"

I struggle to keep my composure. "We need to talk. Please, Stef. This whole entire thing would be solved if we just sat down and talked. Will you meet me for dinner? Please?"

"Lena, there is no discussing this. I need time and space right now. The only thing I can think of so I can retain my privacy is to get my own apartment."

"You need time and space? What about the couch? What about actually sitting down with me like an adult? Talking this through? Going to therapy with me?"

She leans back in her chair as she rubs her temples. "Lena, I need to get back to work. I can't! I can't do this right now...please. Go home."

I want to stand there and fight, scream, holler, shake her...anything to get her to stop being so damn stubborn. This isn't like her yet it is. She is so stubborn, and I've been so terribly selfish. I bite my bottom lip as I fight back the hot tears that threaten to run down my face again. "Okay...I'll pack up your stuff and have it ready then." I whisper as I sniffle and breathe in raggedly.

I turn to leave, but before I do, I turn to look at her again. "Stef, if it's any consolation, I know I've been so selfish, and I've pushed you away. I am not innocent in that sense. But, I don't love her. I have no desire for her...I...I only, only ever wanted and still want you..." I turn to leave, and as I do, I hear a soft cry and know that she is now crying. It takes everything inside of me not to return and pull her in my arms. But I can't really push her. She has told me her feelings, and until she is willing to talk? There's really nothing more I can do.


	7. Chapter 7

*LENA*

Days turn into weeks, and weeks turn into a month, and before I know it, Stef has been gone for a little over a month. Not one word has been spoken between us except for the settling of bills, and minor business. So far, Stef hasn't taken any of my calls. She hasn't even returned my texts. She did agree to email back and forth, and even then, it takes her almost two days to reply. I've lost even more weight, and I feel as if I'm going about my days like a zombie unable to smile anymore.

Today, I'm at work after school as this has become the norm for me. Next week is the last day of school, and I figure I may as well get the paperwork done ahead of time. I have also planned a trip back East to visit my one cousin after the high school graduation. I need to get out of the area and figure out what to do.

I am typing on my laptop as I hear a knock on the door. "Come in!" I call out as I keep my eyes glued to my laptop.

"Lena? Want some company?"

I look up to see my friend, Timothy standing in the doorway. He has a paper bag of food and is holding it up for me to see. "Come on in, Timothy." I smile, and he walks in and sets the food out on my desk. I move papers out of the way and grab a plastic fork from the desk.

"You look sad these days, Lena. I'm really worried about you." He finally sits across from me as he hands me a carton of food. He's brought Indian, one of my favorites, and I half smile.

"Mmmmmm, smells so good," I try to change the subject as I put some of the food on my plate.

"You look like you're not well," he stops me for a moment as he places his hand on mine. We had used him in order to have this baby, and he's been really supportive since finding out that I miscarried.

Tears instantly spring to my eyes, but I blink them back as I answer softly, "Thank you for caring. I don't really like to talk about it though."

He nods as he sits back and places food on his own plate. "That's okay. But are you at least talking to SOMEBODY? ANYBODY? You know it's okay to ask for help, Lena."

I shake my head as I take a bite of my food. I wait until I swallow before I answer him. "No, not really. I don't really know why I haven't. I think I've been really depressed, Timothy. I was reading up on post partum depression, and even though I didn't carry but for 6 weeks, I still think I've been fighting it."

"You know I can give you a name of this guy who specializes in that as well as marriage counselling."

I stiffen as I hear him say marriage counselling, and I can feel my face turns different shades of red from the embarrassment of it all. "Why would you think I was having marital issues?" I finally ask him.

"Well, it's not that hard to put two and two together, Lena. I haven't seen Stef come around here for a while now. Am I right?"

My heart begins to race as I now wonder if possibly Monte said anything. I clear my throat and take a drink of water. "Please don't say anything to anyone. I don't want it to get around." My voice shakes, and I take another drink of water.

He sits forward, "I promise, Lena. I won't say a thing. Can I ask what happened? If you don't wish to talk about it, it's ok. Was it the baby?"

I grab a tissue and blow my nose, "It started when I lost the baby, and it kind of spiraled from there. I've been a mess honestly." I don't want to give too much away even to Timothy. I do trust him, but I'm completely embarrassed, and I don't want to bad mouth Monte to him even though she had a major part in this entire thing.

He nods, "It's ok. I won't say anything. I'm happy you let me sit here and eat with you, though. I've noticed you've been staying late after school as well. And we haven't had time to actually sit and talk since...well, you know..."

"I know, and thank you so much for your friendship. It means a great deal to me." I smile now as I push my plate back.

"You can keep this food. Take it home with you. Eat! And please, get in touch with this guy! I've heard great things about him." He grabs a scrap piece of paper and quickly scrawls his name and number before handing it to me.

"Thank you so much." I stand and walk around the desk as I lean in to hug him taking him by surprise. He hugs me back, and as I stand to straighten my skirt, he takes my hand.

"If you need anything, don't hesitate to tell me. I'm here for you, Lena...you and Stef. I mean it."

I squeeze his hand as he stands and grabs his briefcase. "Later, Len." He kisses my cheek before leaving. My heart is still so sad as I stand there for a bit replaying our entire conversation. I look at the piece of paper as I read _Sam Sprawlings, 424-555_ - _4255._ I promise myself that I'll call him tomorrow morning and make an appointment. I need to do something, anything but stop fighting. I just hope I can get Stef to agree to join me.

*STEF*

I sit on my small couch in my studio apartment as I nibble on my slice of pizza. Pizza has become a main food staple for me over the six weeks, and tonight is no different. I've been miserable, and Mike can attest to that as I've snapped his head off more times than when we were married and fought. He couldn't stand to be around me, and when he asked for a transfer to another partner, I was called into Captain Roberts office.

 _"What the hell is going on with you, Stefanie? This isn't like you at all! Care to tell me why Mike just asked for a different partner?"_

 _I stand at attention, and as she asks me this, my face turns red as I stutter. "I..I ..what did..did he say to you, ma'am?"_

 _"It doesn't matter what he said to me! I'm asking you what the hell is going on?" She folds her arms as she looks at me sternly._

 _My shoulders slump as I look at the ground , scuffing my shoe on the carpet. "Just going through some stuff..." I reply forlornly._

 _"To the point your own partner can't stand you? And I checked into it, you're putting in over sixty hours of work a week! That stops NOW! You hear me? I will not have one of my officers killed because she was so tired, she made a dumb mistake! No more working over twelve hours, understand me?"_

 _I look up at her now and not, "Yes, ma'am. I'm sorry, ma'am. I'll get myself under control." I swallow back the tears not willing to show her I'm falling apart inside. "So, did you give Mike a new partner?"_

 _"No! I told him to figure it out! We don't abandon our partners! And I mean it! Figure it out, Adams Foster! Am I clear?" She walks over to the door and opens it, my cue to leave._

 _"Yes, ma'am. I'll fix it." I look in her eyes now._

 _"Good. Don't make me call your ass back in here."_

 _I nod and leave, nearly choking on all the tears I've been holding back._

I jump as my phone buzzes bringing me back to the present. I see I have a new email, and I know it's from Lena. I sigh as I set down my pizza and bring it up.

 **Hey Stef,**

 **I hope this finds you well. I just wanted to tell you that I met with this counsellor, Sam Sprawlings, for a couple of weeks, and he wants to meet with us together. Before you decide to baulk at this, hear me out. After telling him everything that has happened with us, I am finally finding a way to slowly put the pieces back together. I don't blame you for anything, Stef. I should have been there for you as well. I know that now. I know I was so wrong on many levels, and I know you have been grieving too. That was OUR baby, not just mine. I lost OUR baby, and I did push you away. So, please, come and talk with us. No finger pointing. No blaming. Only love and support. Please, Stef. I need you to know that even if you never speak to me again, if you decide this marriage really is over, that I will always love you...always.**

 **Only Yours,**

 **Lena**

I wipe my eyes as I read her email. I have a lot to think about right now, and I realize that I'm one stubborn woman. Maybe she has a point. Maybe she needed to get help. I re read the email several times before setting my phone down. I can't reply right now because I have so many feelings swirling around inside my head. Instead I get up and head to grab a beer before going to my back balcony. Maybe as I watch the sun set, I'll find some answers.


	8. Chapter 8

***A/N: Don't read if miscarriages bother you! There's no shame in that. This is just a warning so you aren't shocked.***

*STEF*

Swallowing down my pride as I lay on my couch, I shakily pick up and phone and dial Lena.

"Hello? Stef?" She sounds surprised and as if she doesn't want to be too eager. I can hear it all in those two words, and my heart begins to beat faster for once upon a time, I pursued her and pursued her hard. Why had I let go so easily? It's really not as if I would have ever been gone for good...but would I? How have I forgotten so easily what this woman did and still does to me? How her very voice can bring me to my knees and how her touch is like no other on this planet?

I reply shakily, "Yes, it's me. I got your email."

There's a pause, and I try to imagine the look on her face. Happiness? Joy? Relief? Most likely all of these. "Was it too much? I know you said you needed space..."

"I was a fool, Lena," I cut her off. "All I could see was hurt. All I could feel was pain. I didn't listen to you. I didn't give you a fair chance."

Another pause, and I can feel the tears run down my cheeks, falling down my neck, and I must be crying because I hear her soft reply, "Baby, shhhhh, come home to me..."

I nod forgetting she can't see me. "Stef? Are you still there?"

"Yes," I whimper, a blubbering mess as sobs begin to rack my whole body.

"I'm coming over. Don't go anywhere, ok?"

"Ok," I whisper hoarsely as I sit up and realize this place is a disaster. As I hang up and begin frantically cleaning, I can't help but recall the events of the past year and a half.

 _*FLASHBACK*_

 _"Are you sure?" My heart races as I hear my wife on the other end crying softly. "Ok, I'll be there in a minute! Stay on the couch, ok? Don't move!"_

 _I hurriedly tell Captain Roberts that I need to rush Lena to the ER then I take my own cruiser home because if I can't call an ambulance, this is the next best thing._

 _When I get to the house, I run inside, "Honey?" I rush into the living room, and there she is, curled up on the couch. She looks so small right now and pale, and I kneel down in front of her. "Can you stand?" I whisper as I brush her hair back and kiss her clammy forehead._

 _She whimpers as she sits up, and I help her to her feet. As I look back, I want to cry when I see all the blood she's already lost on the towels she was laying on on the couch. I have to make myself look away, and I scoop them up and help her to my squad car._

 _After helping her lay down in the back, I quickly turn on my sirens and rush her to the hospital, and when I arrive, the nurses are already expecting her as they rush out with a stretcher and wheel her quickly to the back. The next few hours are a blur, but all I distinctly remember is how I paced the waiting room. They had rushed her to surgery because her bleeding was out of control, and they were very concerned._

 _When the doctor finally walks out, I feel a moment of panic as I can't tell what's happened. "Mrs. Adams Foster? I'm Dr. Gable. Lena will be fine. She lost a great deal of blood due to a clot, but we were able to stop it. Unfortunately, she did lose the baby."_

 _He looks dejected, and I cover my mouth. I think both Lena and I both knew this would be the case, but it had been unspoken between us. Hearing it out loud really made this real. "Can I see her? Please?" I clasp my hands in front of my face as the tears flow._

 _"Yes, but we have her heavily sedated. She lost a lot of blood as I said, and she really needs her rest. She won't hear you, I don't think, but of course, you can follow me."_

 _*FLASHBACK ENDS*_

*LENA*

Humility: something I've learned over the course of the last few weeks. Something I've had to swallow as I looked at myself in the mirror and admitted the mistakes that I made when it came to my marriage. What they don't tell you as you are leaving the hospital or doctor's office after having lost your child is that grieving will be this messy thing, and if not taken care of correctly, it will become like a cancer and destroy everything in it's path. Grief has a way of making us like a child once again. Ralph Waldo Emerson states, "Sorrow makes us all children again - destroys all differences of intellect. The wisest know nothing."

As I make my way up to the studio apartment that has been my wife's place for the past couple of months, I am reminded of exactly where we started. I remember nights getting off work from having taught all day to walk up stairs similar to these, and how the butterflies would start. As I raise my hand to knock, I close my eyes and remember picking her up for her first date.

 _*FLASHBACK*_

 _"Well, hello, beautiful!" Stef greeted me at the door as she pulled me inside. Everything about this woman has been drawing me in for months now, and her voice alone can make my knees feel weak._

 _"You are breathtaking," I whisper as we hug each other close, and I breath in her fresh scent. I can't get over the fact that she's actually my woman, and the reality of it all is standing so close to me, I wonder if we'll ever make it out of this apartment before dinner._

 _After several minutes of kissing, I pull back as my eyes look her body up and down. She has on a nice pair of black dress pants and a simple off white shirt. I can feel my face flushing as she looks over me with those intense hazel eyes as well. "Hot damn, woman! I'm hungry!" Laughing, I take her hand as we exit her apartment and head down to my car._

 _I was never one to have sex on the first date, but I knew if we didn't go out and in public it most certainly would happen. That night was simple. It was fun. We had Italian, then walked along the beach, hand in hand until the sunset when we finally stopped. She held me in her arms, kissing me as much as possible until the last sun ray disappeared, and the moon took it's place._

 _*FLASHBACK ENDS*_

 _I come back to reality as the door opens and in front of my stands what I will always, always know to be the most beautiful woman in the world._


	9. Chapter 9

*STEF*

My heart is in my throat as I stand here in the doorway, eye to eye with the most important woman in my life. I half smile as I reach out and take her hand, and she walks inside my apartment. Shutting the door, we head over to the couch, as this place was fully furnished when I decided to rent it. I don't even realize I'm still holding her hand until we sit, and she pulls away.

Clearing her throat, I am even more nervous than I've been in a long time, "I don't really know where to begin, but I wanted to start from the beginning if you'll let me."

She looks so terribly nervous, and I just want to scoop her up in my arms. I nod as I sit back, pulling my feet in front of me as I face her. "Go ahead," I reply softly, my eyes searching hers.

She sets her purse down and kicks her shoes off as she, too, faces me. "I don't know why I'm so nervous," her voice shakes.

"Will you let me hold your hand?" I whisper, and she shakes her head.

"If you touch me, I will fall apart. As it is, I'm struggling to keep it together right now."

My eyebrows furrow and I lean forward slightly to brush a stray curl out of her face. "Love...I've been such a fool. You have no idea how many times I wanted to come home and sleep beside my wife...tell you let's start over. Beg for forgiveness, but the more I stayed away, the more I was afraid you'd never take me back." My lower lip trembles, and she quickly brushes the tears that have started to fall down her face.

I do as she requested and sit back, but everything in me aches to touch her somehow. She swallows hard before beginning. "I want to start by saying this wasn't fully my fault or yours, but I didn't help things when I started pulling away when we lost the baby. I was so broken inside I wanted to be alone to process that. You did everything right. I can't blame you for trying because you really did. And in this whole thing, I bitterly thought you couldn't possibly know how I was feeling inside. It wasn't your body that had failed you, but it was mine. I was so mad at the universe for allowing us to get our hopes up, and I was mad at you because, well, I don't know. I just was. You did EVERY single thing right! And I hurt you! And in turn, you did what you knew to do to keep from going crazy: buried yourself in your work!"

I'm crying softly now which is making it difficult to see, and I finally reach out and grab a few tissues, handing some to Lena. "Baby..." I whisper hoarsely.

"You tried...you really did. But when you started working longer hours, my anger and depression became about how you were never around. I'd have to sit at the kitchen table at night, drinking a glass of wine with my dinner. And it was so incredibly quiet. I was alone with my thoughts, and my thoughts were full of anxiety, anger and pity. I started working late as well to keep from having to be all alone...then Monte..."

I can feel my chest tighten at the woman's name, and it takes everything in me not to get up and pace. But I make myself sit here and listen. "Go ahead. I'm listening," I say quietly.

I watch as she plays with her fingers. My confident wife is a mess, and frankly, so am I. "She started hanging around my office, and we'd talk. She'd bring me dinner sometimes because she said she noticed I never took a break to eat dinner when I stayed so late at night. I loved the attention. I admit that. She showered me with so much attention, and I should have put a stop to it. That night, when she kissed me, we had been drinking down at the hotel bar, and she invited me to her room. Against my better judgment, I allowed her to talk me into going with her to her room to peace and quiet and drinking wine and talking until about eleven. But when I missed you, I called you, and you were out with the guys. It all came rushing back to me..." Her voice breaks, and she is crying pretty badly now.

I move to grab her hands, "Baby...shhhhh..." I try to get her to calm some, and she isn't. So, I pull her to me and just hold her. We cry together now. For the things unsaid, for the things said. For the things we couldn't take back. I don't know how long we held each other crying. All I knew was that she was here right now explaining herself to me because I love her.

*LENA*

Stef and I talk into the wee hours of the morning, and when I realize that the sun is beginning to rise, I panic. "Oh now! I have to be to the school in a couple of hours!"

She gets up and holds out her hand to me, "Call in sick. You never ever do. We'll take a nap and go from there."

I hesitate, but when I see the earnest look in her eyes it reminds me of the times we were first dating when we'd "play hookie" and spend the day in bed or on the beach. I smile softly as I take her hand and allow her to lead me up to the loft where the bed is. I take my phone with me and quickly call Monte before shutting it off altogether. Stef hands me one of her long tshirts, and I blush as I quickly undress and crawl up to lay beside her. As I drift off to sleep in her arms, I remember the morning we found out I was pregnant.

 _*FLASHBACK*_

 _"Stef, come here! Hurry!" I call out eagerly from the bathroom. I am holding the pregnancy test in my hand while I look down at the other five tests lined up on my sink._

 _She rushes in the bathroom, and when she sees this, she bursts into hysterical laughter. "Oh wow! Lena! A little over zealous, yes?" She winks as she walks up to me. "What's the verdict?"_

 _I am grinning from ear to ear, and of course, she probably already knows the answer. I squeal anyway from all the excitement bursting in my soul. "We're pregnant! We're gonna have a baby! STEF!"_

 _She is now laughing and crying with me as she picks me up and swings me around and around before standing me up and cupping my cheeks as she kisses me deeply. "I'm gonna be a mom? And you a mama?" she cries as she looks in my eyes._

 _"YES! Yessssss!" I manage as we continue to kiss. This was one of the happiest days of my life. One for the books. If only we knew then that it wouldn't last._

 _*FLASHBACK ENDS*_

I jump a little as the memory replays in my head, and Stef who is already falling asleep, mumbles sleepily, "Are you ok?"

I just nod as I squeeze my eyes shut as hard as I can and whimper back a sob as she feels my energy and pulls me closer. "Shhhhh, my love...sleep, ok? I got you." I hold on to her for dear life now as I drift off eventually. We have a great deal of work to do to fix things, but this is a start. I will never let go of this woman again...not as long as I live.


	10. Chapter 10

*STEF*  
As I sit here with Lena in the lobby of the counselor she's been seeing, I have to admit to myself I want to be anywhere but here. I am holding her hand, and things have been okay since we talked. But we aren't fooling anyone when we say it was fixed overnight. There are some things we have to repair and fix in order to grow stronger and be able to move on for good.

"Mrs. Adams Fosters?" The red headed receptionist calls our names and we stand in unison as we head in to Dr. Sprawling's office.

I nervously look around at the furniture, plants pictures: yep, pretty much like every other therapist's office. Sitting on the long red couch, I take a deep breath as he greets us then sits opposite us in a larger chair. Of course, I notice his notepad and struggle not to smirk. Typical. He'll evaluate us with pen and paper then give feedback.

"So, I've heard quite a bit about you Stefanie. May I call you Stefanie?" He looks at me over his horn rimmed glasses.

"Uhhhh, just Stef is fine," I smile nervously.

"Stef." Clearing his throat, he sets down his pen and notepad and brings his fingertips together. "I would like to ask you both if you'll sit opposite each other. No hand holding. Each on her own end of the couch."

I try not to roll my eyes but do as he requests as I lick my lips and cross my legs. I nervously watch Lena and she looks a mess from where I'm sitting.

"My best bet is that you really don't wish to be here, Stef, but after working with Lena, I suggested she invite you at least once."

I laugh nervously, "Heard you're a real fixer, doc." I try to joke, but it falls flat as Lena plays with her fingers and he frowns at me.

"A jokester, too. This will be interesting." He clears his throat again which is starting to annoy me, and I cross my arms. "I see you two do have a great deal of physical chemistry. It's why I asked you to sit apart. I need you thinking with your heart and not with the passion and fire that burns between you."

At this, I do burst out laughing. Who is this guy? And where did Lena find him? Did he graduate from Dumbo University? This time both Lena and Dr. Sprawlings look at me with a frown, and I play it off. "Nothing better than a fire between two married people, am I right?"

Again, the joke falls flat, and Dr. Sprawlings picks up his notebook and begins scribbling something down. I look over at Lena and she's quietly wiping her eyes with a tissue. This makes me feel horrible, but I can't help but wonder why we're even here. I'd take her right now if she'd let me, but according to Dr. Sam Sprawlings over here, we aren't to be intimate until everything else is fixed.

I sigh as I uncross my legs and sit forward slightly, "So, doc, what do you have for us today?"

*LENA*

As we head towards the school, it's super quiet in our vehicle. Stef is dropping me off at work before she heads to the station. I couldn't be any angrier than I am right now at her. She made a complete fool out of us in our session, cracking jokes and making it seem as if it was some big game.

I look out the window as she drives, and refuse to look at her even when she speaks. "I'm sorry, ok? But you didn't warn me we'd be seeing some whack a doodle! What do you expect?"

I can feel my head begin to throb as I look at her with a scowl on my face. "Whack a doodle? Are you serious right now? Stef, that was everything to me...for..for you to actually show up and we begin to heal together?"

She keeps looking straight ahead, and I sigh. "Come on, Lena! Who does he think he is telling us no sex for at least a month? I bet he never gets laid! Did you see how uptight he was?" She giggles and turns to look at me as she's met with my furious temper which I'm struggling to keep in tact, but she is making it hard.

"Pull over!"

"What?!" She laughs softly.

"I said, pull over!" My voice raises a little bit more which makes her raise her eyebrows.

"Lena, we're almost there! I'm not making you walk!"

"Then I'll jump out of a moving vehicle!" I say irrationally. Nothing inside of me is rational at this point, and we both know it. She refuses to pull the vehicle over, and I reach over to grab the wheel which backfires because she lifts her elbow. In the process, her elbow whacks my jaw on accident, and I yelp.

Pulling over, she quickly slams on the breaks and puts the car in park. "What the hell, Lena!" She snaps as she unbuckled her seatbelt and tries to comfort me.

"Don't touch me! You've done enough damage already, Stef!" I angrily grab my bag and lunch bag as I open the car door and slam it. I have my pride. So I wipe my angry tears before straightening my dress and heading to the sidewalk to walk the rest of the way to the school.

It's almost 100 degrees here in San Diego today, but I don't care. I need to walk away from her before I say something I'll really regret. But she is insistent and begins to drive slowly alongside me as she rolls down her window.

"Lena, don't do this! Baby, I'm sorry! It's really hot out here! Let me drive you in!"

But I ignore her as I continue to look straight ahead as I walk, high heels and all. "Lena...please. Don't be stubborn." She tries to cut me off as I round the corner to the school. We are near the beach, and I sigh as she gets out of the car and stands in front of me. "Love, I shouldn't have made fun. I'm sorry, ok? I'm not so good at this whole baring my heart thing. That's you. I'm only open with you."

She brushes my hair behind my ear before running her fingers down my red, hot cheek. "Ya, well, it's too late. I'm calling him when I get to the office and cancelling our next session. I won't be made a fool of, Stef! This was important to me!" I choke back tears, and she sighs as she pulls her hand away shoving it in her pocket.

"I hear you. Ok. See you at dinner?" She pulls out her keys, and when I don't respond, she continues, "It'll be ok. We didn't need him anyway."

"No, it won't! It won't be ok, Stef! It just won't!" With this, I storm off before she can respond and power walk the rest of the way to the school.


	11. Chapter 11

*LENA*

I am one big mess as I pack up my office for the summer break. I can't seem to focus let alone put a dent in the packing. My mind keeps going back to how awful the session with Dr. Sprawlings progressed, and how upset I was when Stef seemed relieved I was going to cancel our next session. It seemed like it was one big joke to her, and even though I knew deep down inside she was struggling to actually talk about her feelings with this man, I felt she could have at least tried to put forth her best effort.

 _*FLASHBACK*_

 _"But what I'm hearing is that you think this here is one big hoopla, am I correct?" Dr. Sprawlings directs towards Stef._

 _I watch as she squirms in her seat and begins to stutter, "I just don't...I just don't understand why we have to talk to you. You helped Lena, and that's fine. But I'm very different than her. She has this relentless need to process and discuss feelings, but I already have with her to her. And now I need to do that again here with you?"_

 _I feel my heart racing as I swallow back hot tears. He pauses for a moment before looking at me. "Lena, is there something you wish_ _to add?"_

 _I smooth my hands nervously over my skirt and nod. "I do. I did. But ummm, I'm not sure where to even start."_

 _"It's okay. Take your time. There is no right or wrong place. Tell Stef what you wish for the both of you to get out of this experience."_

 _I take a deep breath as I turn to look my wife in her eyes. She intensely stares back, and everything in me wants to take her hands in mine, but I don't. "I just...I need for us to find a way to...to communicate better, and I know I haven't been the best since, you know, ummm, since...the baby died..." I trail off as I wipe my eyes._

 _There's a moment of awkward silence, and finally Dr. Sprawlings speaks. "Stef? Any input?"_

 _She licks her lips and runs her hand down the back her of neck as she stutters trying to say what's on her heart and mind. "Lena, honey, I think we had a new beginning the other night when we talked into the wee hours of the morning. I..I mean...ummm, I'm not..I'm not exactly sure what's broken?"_

 _I sigh as I wipe my eyes and try not to snap her head off. She's not sure what's broken? Why? How? What's happening right now? I'm broken from my furious thoughts as the counselor begins speaking again._

 _"Sometimes when in a relationship like you two have, you tend to be too nice to each other. What I'm saying is that you both are kind of afraid to really speak your heart, and you hold back what you really want to say. Lena just tried to speak her heart to you, Stef, but can you honestly say nothing is broken? If nothing is broken, why do you have an apartment? Why not still be living with your wife and working thru the grief and pain together?"_

 _"That's not! Uhhh, that's not what I meant, doc!" Stef becomes defensive, and I want so badly to scream from excruciating exhaustion at this point._

 _He nods and closes his notebook as he says a few more things including at least a month with no sex and that he'll see us next week. As we leave, I won't even look Stef's way._

 _*FLASHBACK ENDS*_

*STEF*

I realize I have royally screwed up this morning in our session, and I can't seem to shake what a complete ass I was when it came to Lena's feelings. I am at my whits end honestly, and I know I need to start making strides to make things right for the both of us. I just don't know where to begin, because the doctor was right. There are broken pieces still, and my heart is one of them. Even though I love Lena so much, it still hurts me she allowed things to happen between her and Monte.

I blame myself for checking out when Lena started pushing me away, but I really blame Monte for having an inkling as to what was happening in our life and sticking her big fat nose in it. I know Lena is not aware that I confronted Monte right after this all happened, and I know I'll eventually have to tell her.

 _*FLASHBACK*_

 _"I don't care if you thought her marriage was in jeopardy or not, it wasn't your place to kiss my wife!" My face is red as I stand in front of Monte in her office. I'm dressed in my uni, and I took a few hours off this morning just for this. She needed to know she had crossed a major line._

 _"You are never around, Stef! Do you even care that Lena is grieving? Do you? You don't see the immense pain in her eyes, and you don't see what I see day in and day out! I'm more in tune with your wife's feelings than you are!" She crosses her arms as she scowls right back._

 _I cannot for the life of me believe what is happening right now. Is this woman serious? Did she hit her head? I ball my fists up before slamming my hands down on her desk as I look deep into her eyes. "Don't you talk to me about things you don't understand? I will not be disrespected by you or anyone! Lena doesn't love YOU! You hear me!"_

 _"If that's what you want to tell yourself..."_

 _"She doesn't!" I cut her off raising my voice. "And furthermore, I want you to stay away from her! You hear me! I will make your life a living hell!"_

 _"Are you threatening me in uniform, officer?" She stands now as we are eye to eye._

 _"I am! Stay away from my wife!" I readjust my gun on my side as I turn and storm out of her office. I am seconds away from crying as I have never been more heart broken as I am right now. Is it true? Is Monte more in tune with Lena's feelings? Did I drop the ball that badly in our relationship? How will I ever repair this? I just don't know, and I just am a complete and utter disaster right now._

 _*FLASHBACK ENDS*_

As my shift comes to an end, I decide to head to the florist really fast before I pick Lena up from work. I pick out a single red rose and have them put some baby's breath and a ribbon on it. It's a simple romantic gesture and hopefully, she'll see I'm really trying.

As I pull up to the school, I wait for her and even text her that I'm here. But as I look up, I see her and Monte deep in conversation as they slowly walk out of the school. I try so very hard not to get out and tell Monte to go to hell, for she is Lena's boss no matter how hard I try to wish her away. I take multiple deep breaths as I tell myself it's going to be okay. I need to trust. But I'm trembling by the time Lena comes to the car and gets in.

I don't even realize it as she closes the door and places her hand softly on mine, "Stef?" Her soft voice breaks through the panic attack I must be having, and I look at her.

"Hi..." I say weakly as I hand her the rose.

"Are we okay? I mean...I acted like a petulant child earlier...and now? I need to know what you're...what you're thinking?" She sounds so small and sad. I blink back tears as I nod.

"Lena..." is all I manage to say as my voice is breaking.

She takes my hand and squeezes it as she whispers, "Take us home...stay with me tonight..."

I just nod as I pull out. I will never spend another night away from her again.


	12. Chapter 12

*LENA*

As I lay in my bed next to Stef, my mind begins to race. I feel so at peace with the decision for her to move back home. It's not even that I ever, ever wanted her to leave in the first place, but the longer she was gone, the more depressed I had become. And when I finally came to the end of my rope, I knew that in order for her to actually move home, there would have to be compromise, and things couldn't just go back to how they were when we officially began to fall apart. The fact that today's session was a complete flop weighed heavily on my mind as I worked packing up my office today, but the fact that Stef made it a point to not only make sure to pick me up after work, but also went above and beyond to get a simple rose, showed me that she was really trying even if it was in her own way.

I'm kind of thankful that she is making an effort because just yesterday morning, I had gone to the doctor, and the news I received was both frightening and exciting. I was ready to move on in my life, but having Stef by my side where she belongs will make it that much sweeter. 

_*FLASHBACK*_

 _"Mrs. Adams Foster, are you ready for the good news?" Dr. Pilbury asks as she enters the exam room. I sit on the examining table in a simple gown, and I run my hands over my thighs nervously._

 _"Describe good news, doc. Give it to me straight," I smile nervously as my heart rate quickens._

 _"Well, it's true! You're measuring at about six weeks pregnant, Lena!" she smiles widely at me as I cover my face in my hands. I don't know if it's true or if I'm dreaming, but about six weeks ago, I received a call that I had only 48 hours to decide if I wanted to try again with this particular donor before they got rid of the sperm. I spent a good 36 hours in torment, and not knowing what to do. In the end, I was willing to give it a go. At this point in my life, I had nothing more to lose. I had already lost everything. If Stef and I never reconciled, and we ended up divorced, I would still raise this child, even if it was alone or joint custody with her. In the end, I wanted a child. And I would try._

 _But as I sit here and hear the words, "You're pregnant!" I begin hyperventilating. For it was at six weeks before was when I lost our first child. It was exactly at five weeks and 6 days that I began cramping, and by that six week mark on the dot, our baby was gone._

 _"Lena? Are you going to be ok?" Dr. Pilsbury looks at me concerned as she steps closer._

 _I'm as white as a ghost and struggling to breathe. She helps me lay back and tells me to focus on my breathing as she tilts my legs with a lever on the side of the table. As soon as the color comes back to my face, she sits down on a chair and scoots it closer to the table. "Want to tell me what that was all about?"_

 _"I...I lost my baby at this point last time," I manage as I look over at her._

 _She nods sympathetically as she rubs my arm. "Yes, and you're measuring a couple of days past that this time. I think you're going to make it. Have you had no pregnancy symptoms yet?" She pulls out her iPad to take notes._

 _"I'm not so sure. My body has been all over the place, honestly. After I lost the baby, I did end up bleeding for only a week and a half. Then, when we tried again with the sperm, my emotions were all over the place, and anything I may have been feeling, was almost too good to be true. I think I was blocking possibilities, and even today's appointment was because my friend, Jenna, begged me to make the appointment and be seen."_

 _She nods as she continues to type out her notes, and she finally puts down the iPad and looks at me. "Stef, your wife, she's not...with you currently? I know we talked about this, but I need to know you still have some kind of support system."_

 _"We are...working on our marriage, and I'm hopeful, but even if it doesn't work, I have Jenna and Emily and even Marlene." I finally am breathing normally and slowly sit back up before pulling my hair up on top of my head._

 _"That's good to hear. I need you to really , really watch your activity until the end of the first trimester at least. You still have about six weeks to go, and I'm actually thankful that you'll be out for summer break. Any summer plans?"_

 _I shake my head as I smile, "Well, not really. But now? I plan on spoiling myself the entire summer and taking it easy. I do promise you that much!"_

 _She smiles as she stands and shakes my hand, "Well, congratulations, Lena. I feel pretty optimistic about this, but I am still putting you at high risk. I'll see you again in six weeks, and we'll do a sonogram. We won't really be able to tell the sex just then, but soon after, around twenty weeks or so, we will."_

 _She leaves, and I'm left to change back into my clothes, in complete and utter shock. I know I'll need to tell Stef and soon. I just don't want the baby to be the only reason she stays. I need to know it's for me._

 _*FLASHBACK ENDS*_

I sigh as I turn on my side and look at Stef who is currently sound asleep. She looks like an angel, sleeping peacefully, and I reach out to move her hair out of her face. I ache to be intimate with her again, but I really want to do this right. Intimacy wasn't an issue between us in the past. It was a strong point of our relationship, and we had so much fire, I would melt each and every time. But even fire begins to fizzle as other problems arise and start quenching those flames. I knew that Dr. Sprawlings wasn't trying to make our lives a living hell, for if we started that up again and hadn't fixed what was initially broken, things could become ten times worse in the end.

"Can't sleep?" Stef mumbles, her eyes still closed.

I laugh softly, "You always did have a sixth sense about you."

She opens her eyes now as she reaches to brush my cheek softly, "What's wrong, my love? I can feel your mind spinning all the way over here?"

I lick my lips. I need to tell her. I know in my heart, she does want to make this work. I know she wouldn't be staying just for the baby. But what if this is exactly the opposite of what she really wants out of life now? Oh, God, I haven't thought this through! I begin panicking as I sit up suddenly and bury my face in my hands. "Shit..." I breathe through my fingers.

Stef instantly sits up beside me and rubs my back. "Love? What's happening? What's wrong?" She sounds so worried, and it kind of breaks me a little out of my panic attack, but not enough to stop the tears that start to flow.

I whimper in my hands, "I did something you may not like."

She pulls me to her, removing my hands from my face. I know that look. She's scared. Ever since the whole Monte thing happened, she will forever be worried when I use those words. "Don't worry. It's not what you think," I quickly add so she can breathe.

She brushes the tears from my face, "What is it then, baby?"

My eyes squeeze shut as I hear my voice whisper shakily, "I'm pregnant."


	13. Chapter 13

The next few weeks were met with both ups and downs for the wives, and the part that Lena was loving the most was the fact that Stef was really trying to be in tune with her feelings and every day happenings. Yes, she still had to work, and some of those days were long hours. But she stopped going out with the guys just because. Lena knew that blowing off steam and spending time with her co-workers was a plus. So, there were days when she would beg Stef to just go. She knew she would be fine.

Maybe on those nights, the curly haired woman could enjoy the peace and quiet that comes from not having someone wait on her hand and foot. Maybe it was the different foods she'd allow herself to eat when Stef wasn't around. Or maybe it was that she just loved the day after because Stef would be more relaxed and more apt to just hold her, massage her feet or even make a late night run to the store for pickles and cool whip.

In all, what they were doing seemed to be working, for now at least. And Lena couldn't be happier. Even if some things weren't completely worked out as they'd stopped therapy for now. She knew that they needed to deal with the whole Monte thing, and she knew they needed to deal with the constant need to be polite to each other. They also still hadn't been intimate, but what really was intimacy when you're in the middle of creating a life inside of you? Or so this is what Lena kept telling herself as each day passed that she just ached to be touched in the way only Stef could touch her.

Tonight was no different as it was one of the nights Stef was supposed to be headed over to Collin's house with the guys for some big game. Lena had just finished her bubble bath and was heading downstairs, completely naked, to make herself some tea so she could drink it while she read. When her phone rang, she was unprepared for what was on the other line.

*STEF*

Tears are streaming down my face as I hear Lena's phone ring over and over and go to her voicemail. I don't want to leave a message because I don't want to alarm her. I sigh as I wipe my eyes and sit back in my office chair. Tonight's activities have been cancelled due to recent events, and I feel sick to my stomach. But should I be relying on my pregnant wife who was in a high risk pregnancy?

I wait a few minutes then try her number again, and this time she answers, "Hey, babe! Enjoying the game? It isn't like you to call on nights like tonight. Are you ok?"

As soon as I hear her voice, I begin to weep. I can't speak, and I can't seem to stop the tears that are choking me.

"Love? What's wrong? You're scaring me," she sounds worried. "Where are you?"

"At...station..." I manage, and I hear her authoritative voice come over the line.

"I'll be right there. Don't leave." She hangs up and I place my phone on my desk and bury my face in my hands as I cry so hard, I'm not sure I can possibly have any tears left.

Twenty minutes later, I hear Mike talking to Lena and I try to look presentable, yet when I see her, I fall apart instantly, and she holds me. Mike is standing there as well as he, too, looks really sad, and I hear Lena ask him, "What the hell is going on? Mike?"

She manages to sit down, and I sit beside her. I never break down, ever, but right now, I need her. We essentially need each other. Mike sits on the side of my desk as he looks at Lena sadly. "It's Collins...ummm, he was killed in a shootout during a domestic call earlier. It took us all...by surprise."

I nod as tears burn my eyes and I close them before squeezing Lena's hand. She hates my job as it is, and the reality of it is right in front of us. But she surprises me by pulling on my arm gently. "Lets get you home, ok?"

Her voice is warm and soft, and it's as if she just knows arguing or giving a speech about gun violence or police violence isn't going to help me right now. I couldn't be more grateful for her than in this moment.

*LENA*

I haven't seen my wife like this in a long time, and I know that when an officer is killed, it affects the unit as a whole. I knew that Collins had worked with Stef for her whole career and he left behind a wife and a small boy. After I help her undress and lock up her gun, I help her into the shower and head downstairs to make her some tea.

As she exits the bathroom in her tshirt and pj pants, her long hair a wet mess, I offer to comb it for her. I love taking care of her because she never ever lets me see her like this. As I sit against the headboard and comb thru her long hair, she sips on her tea.

"I'm so sorry, honey, that this happened. I don't know what to say," I lean in and kiss the side of her neck.

"Let's go back to therapy," she whispers hoarsely. I'm unsure if I'm hearing her correctly so I repeat what she just said.

"Did you just say we should..go back to therapy?" I ask her softly as I finish up her hair and set the comb on the night stand before pulling her against me.

She nods, "Yes. We need to..to make sure everything is..is in order before the baby.."

My hands run up and down her arms as I kiss her every so often reassuring her I'm here. "Love?" I whisper breaking the silence after a while.

"Mhmm?" She turns her head slightly.

"I don't tell you enough how much I appreciate what you do for us," closing my eyes, I nuzzle into her neck breathing her in as I feel her body tremble slightly. I reach around and take her empty mug and set it on the nightstand before shutting the lamp off. "Lets sleep, ok?"

She nods as we situate ourselves and I hold her this time. "Lena, I'm serious. Please call the doctor in the morning, yes?" Her voice is so sad, and it breaks my heart.

"Ok, yes. But now, just let me hold you, ok?" I kiss her over and over until she relaxes and we eventually both drift off. Tonight isn't about getting too deep. It's about just being here with each other.


	14. Chapter 14

*STEF*

Between therapy, the baby which we recently found out to be a girl and the memorial service for Collin, I need Lena more than ever. She has been such a rock for me, and I can honestly say that the broken pieces of my heart are finally on the mend. Tonight, I want to show her just how much she means to me...show her in a way that can't be said with words or song. As cheesy as it sounds, I smile every time I see her face, and my heart begins to race when I feel even a simple touch of her fingers or as she brushes past me.

Having been married to her now for almost five years, it still feels new and fresh, and if possibly, deeper. "Hey," I whisper as I walk into our room. She's currently laying on her side reading as usual before we sleep. I look down at her curls sprawled out on the pillow, and reach out to run my forefinger down her entire arm.

She looks up at me with a small smile on her face as she closes the book on her fingers holding her spot. "Hey, yourself."

"Whatcha doing, sweets?" I ask in a sultry, low voice as I sit on the edge of the bed.

She giggles softly, "Well, I'm reading this pregnancy book, and I'm finding out more and more what to expect during labor! Did you know that there is bound to be some hostility in the delivery room?"

I laugh at this as I reach over and take the book from her. "Give me that!"

"Stef! You lost my place!" She sits up, protesting.

I hold it out of reach as she playfully tries to get it. "Down, woman...I see a whole lot of hostility happening right here!"

Her face is flushed making her even more desirable as I drop the book, and she breathlessly asks, "What happens to people who are hostile?"

"Well," I quickly move her so she is laying flat on her back as I half hover over her and whisper, "They need to be taught a lesson or two..."

She giggles again as I watch her chest rise and fall in anticipation. She reaches up and grips the back of my neck as she breathes, "Stef..."

"Mmm, I'm right here, baby..." I whisper as I lean in and begin sucking softly on her neck, making my way to her pulse point. I feel the pull between us, something that has always been there but has lain dormant for quite some time now. Quickly sitting up, I unbutton my plaid shirt before tossing it off to the side. I keep eye contact as I kneel up on my knees and slowly remove my tank, leaving me in my bra and jeans.

Her eyes darken as she sits up on her elbows, smiling at me softly. "Baby..."

"Hmmm?" I respond as my jeans come off next, and after they are on the floor, my panties quickly follow as I lean forward and my hand runs down between her breasts. "What's taking you so long?" My necklace dangles between us as her breath catches, and I quickly help her undress. As I lay my body softly on top of hers, I moan as our skin makes contact. I never thought I would get to feel her like this again...ever.

Burning lips meet desire, goosebumps flood my body as our hands touch anywhere we can at this time. Her moans meet mine as I find my fingers grabbing handfuls of her curls, and our tongues glide easily over each others. I gasp for air as does she, and she lifts her head slightly as her fingers grip my neck and hair, "Stef, don't stop...fuck, I missed you..." I'm already in a daze as our bodies begin moving in one fluid motion, and the bed begins to rock with our rhythm.

My tongue runs down her jawline and down behind her ear as I whisper, "Tell me what you want..." She grunts as her fingers dig into the skin on my back, and I nip her earlobe.

"Fuck me...shit...just fuck me..." Fingernails dig into my skin now and painfully down my back which makes me come alive as I begin devouring her, missing everything about her: her scent, the way she moans my name, the way she clings to me and begs, the way her pubic hair curls and is so soft and wet as I run my fingers softly, feeling her, inhaling sharply.

"Lena...baby," I moan as my lips and tongue moves across her collarbone, and my fingers push against her clit, moving in such a way, her hips begin to move. I know she needs and wants more, but I want this to last. Yes, I know we can go on for hours, but rediscovering this woman in my arms is my whole goal tonight.

As I begin licking and sucking on her erect nipples, I feel her fingers smoothing my hair back and slightly tugging on it as her moans deepen and increase in intensity. "Stef! I need you!" She pants desperately as I make my way down her stomach, worshiping every inch of her womb that is holding our child. "Mmmmm, my love," I croon as my tongue swirls around her naval then lower to her pubic bone. I make a kind of big deal out what I do next, pushing her legs open a little wider as I kiss and run my tongue on her inner thighs. I smile between kisses as I feel her legs begin to tremble, and my hands move slowly down following my tongue and lips. I then breathe in her scent and moan deeply as I look up, and her eyes are open watching me.

Smiling, I take my first taste and as I continue to taste her, I keep eye contact until she's so lost in a fog, her head tilts back and she moans my name loudly. It's now that I concentrate on what I know she loves: long licks, swirls, sucking and kissing her clit. I run my tongue all the way down to her ass then dig into her opening as she grips the sheets beneath her caramel body, and her hips buck. I feel her begin to shake, and I pull back and begin kissing her inner thighs again only to be met with a loud groan, "Stef...noooo..."

"No, what, baby? Tell me..." I smile as I move to move my wet center up her thigh. I sit up as I begin rocking needing release, and just looking at her body, I could cum any moment. But I stop as I quickly thrust three fingers deep and hard into her as she cries out my name. I kiss her body like never before, marking her wherever I can, moving my fingers in and out, curling them to hit her spot.

"Stef...Stef...STEFFFF!" she cries as I feel her pulling my hair and she tumbles into ecstacy. I keep pushing into her, keeping my fingers curled as she rides it out and grips my wrist hard. "Enough..." She mumbles, and I smile as I pull out we resume our kissing: slowly, deeply, hungrily.

We resume making love for a couple of hours until, we finish with her making me cum so hard, I almost stop breathing. As we lay here like newly weds, bodies close, legs tangled, I run my fingers through her curls. "Are you ok?" I murmur against her temple.

"Completely...are you?" she makes sure to check in as well as she hugs me harder.

I trace her shoulder as I pull back slightly to look in her chocolate eyes that get me every single time. "I couldn't be happier, my love...I've missed you so...much," My voice cracks and she leans in to kiss my falling tears.

"Shhhh, don't cry, my sweet love," she whispers as she moves us so I'm on my back and she's looking in my eyes fully. "I want you to know that I plan on showing you for the rest of our life just how much I adore you, Stefanie Marie Adams Foster. You light up every day of my life, and I don't tell you enough. Thank you for going to therapy with me. Thank you for going to work every day and for putting so much passion into it. Thank you for loving me...Because I was so damn lost without you...without you beside me at night...without hearing your soothing voice on those dark days..." She is now crying softly, and I reach out to grab her arms and pull her nearly on top of me so I can hug her as tightly as I possibly can without crushing her.

"Lena, I don't tell YOU enough, thank you for doing this...for loving me, for closing the gap and getting me to talk to you again...for getting us to therapy...for forgiving me...for..for carrying our little girl!" We begin kissing again as another wave of passion takes over. I plan on fulfilling every desire of this woman if its the last thing I do, and I'll never ever grow tired of doing it.


End file.
